sometimes i wonder whats the purpose in all this, you ready vs. me needy. i wake up look at phone and i feel a sort of emptiness, then i tell myself if you can do it, so can i. And i fall back to bed.

the best things in life (for me)

the pain from a good run.
the idea of clean sheets and clean gums
the contentment from a good book/show
quality time spent with my family; ( mama mum dad and mamoot)
knowing that i can count on someone, knowing that this is different, knowing that at the end of the day you are had thoughts of trying.
loneliness is just a fragment of bigger things to come.
decemeber air!
breakfast with my cousins, having mitch shove her hand in my face

i willl get back to edit this, and i managed church at 9am this morning. i am truly amazed and my sleep patterns.

i will get lost into your eyes, and everything will be alright. and i will walk on water, you will catch me if i fall.

sometimes,i feel like the only reason why we are existing, is because my existence is loyal and comprimising, and i feel like i have everything to loose.. because you can walk away like how you always do. you say all these things, but in reality, i mean nothing.

i realized that ive put down all my ammunition, and i will do it again and again for you. and i like smelling your shoulders.

the silence overwhelms me, and i find myself back at one. i have evaluated and i know how you feel..
i will never want to touch this again.

in the midst of bless this mess, you calmed my racing heart and you were my kryptonite. i can <3 you in more ways that one,

sometimes i just get so tired, youre wearing me out. youre really wearing me out. and i am so. worn. down. My concern for you is three fold, but when i pick myself up every other time i feel like i am........... . If i could make you see a thousand things, if i could make you feel alive or than you could ever make me feel like im on fire. i am tired because there is nothing come from you. nothing you feel, and i feel everything. Im just tired that the the gap in between is so wide, i could fit 10000000000 niggers in between.

you told me and i am jumping rainbows and blushing tomatoes!

heh, yesterday was my fav day of oct. I must illustrate why..
at 6 am in the morning we (jj and i) sent his gf home, and we went for mackers breakfast. I had to comtemplate on that one because i know how sick it is to sleep to oil in my stomach. It wasnt the breakfast that was funny but more so the part where  we were runing away from the crokaches. Everyone was laughing, i wonder if the joke was on us...or..............
 
2) i then went to bed at about 7am after which i woke up and found trev creeping out of my door. she looked sneaky for some reason, it made me laugh. so i forced her back into my room (ok not my room, renjies room) and we started talking.

3) and then my fav boy called and then the world made sense for some reason HAHAHAHH

4) Trev played the guitar and i sang, negleacting all our responsbilities., its like the world came to a halt for a bit and then snap back to reality

5)school where i made major changes to my work, O B J E C T I V E S? si mi lan jiao????????/

6)had coffee at p,s cafe. man date with 3 boys. apparently i am perceived as chee hong! hahhahaha

7) tested out my brillant driving skills, could have crashed and burn, but i didnt.

8) came to huis for a bit,

9) came home to supper brought by isaac wee and ah beng. Did my work while they watched soccer

10) slept with jac whose legs is longer than life.

11) could not sleep post effects of earl grey

12) read my phone for like 100000000000000000 time. this is funny, and its been a while.

<3

you know i could use somebody, someone like you and

A few nights ago, i woke up crying to the death of my grandma.  i do alot of teeth grinding while i sleep, talking ocasionally but as of late even singing. I am really rockstar supernova! (i try HAH) But crying......???? i dont know i remeber vivdly wiping the tears from my eyes.. and thanking god she was alive. I remember telling myself it was only a dream, the real question is i dont know how i convinced myself when it felt so true at 4 am in the morning. After which i took myself to the kitchen and ate another slice of moon cake. Yeah i do that, pretty much all the time...sleep eating. I woud not entirely blame sleep eating for the weight that i drag around, but to a large extent sleep eating (for me) has done a lot of damage. I will not say i dont know what im doing, but i think its habitual process.In my dreams, i am probably chasing some sugar high, and unconsiouly (or not) i am popping another piece of moon cake in my mouth. "hey guys!! catch me by he fridge at 4 am in the morning!" "feels like winter wonderland!" 
 Sometimes i swear my recollection of previously having the mooncake is not even there. anyway  moing back to the main topic ,today i met my grandma for a good 20 minutes or so. i realized how scrawny she has become and the guilt now is more than ever. I have been so involved in chasing that temporary high, i have neglected the most  utmost important things in my life. My primary importance, and the reason to my main exsistence. i am glad i actually hugged her, although it is very unlikely of me to have done that. i actually felt good about it. Everyone is home this hoilday, and it feels almost like christmas already. Coming home to piles of clothes thrown all over my floor, coming home to people (kor/kim/brian), coming home to farimilarity. ok che che kim is asking me to have a cig with her, for family.... i will do just that. :)

to be brutally honest, ive been avoiding everything. Who the fuck put shameless in my vocab, who the fuck put memories in my head, and when the fuck did i start being so sick? The real question is, who is pulling my strings for me. I feel like im semi detached from my own skin detached completely from my mind, and i am really really out of line. I liked myself better when i was proud, i liked myself better when i was pro loyalty and i liked my morals very much. If i said i have no idea what i am doing...can i just pack up and run like hell.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"ALL MY PAIN IN YESTERDAY"